tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 24, 2011 12:00am-1:05am EST
their leader. for "nightline," i'm alex marquardt in libya. >> the libyan revolution continues. thanks to alex for that. join us tomorrow for a behind the scenes look at the making of a tween star. that's tomorrow night. that's our report for tonight. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> dicky: up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: lynn say lohan back in court this morning. that tame share she bought across the street is really paying off. >> dicky: dax shepard. >> i'm famous for my sausage consumption. >> jimmy: "american idol" shouldn't be going to vegas. it should be going to libya. >> dicky: nancy grace. and muse trick the twilight singers. >> jimmy: what is the point of having a cross eyed possum make >> jimmy: what is the point of having a cross eyed possum make oscar picks.
>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? is giving your valentine a crappy gift a bad idea? a few weeks ago, we asked you to find out for us by giving your valentine a terrible gift -- on purpose and on tape. and here are some of the winners. >> you got me -- but anyways -- >> it's great. i love you, honey. and thank you so much for this. >> this is amy's present. >> wow. underpants.
>> chippy, happy valentine's day. present. >> yes, thank you. >> you got it. what do you mine got it? this is it? this is a valentine's present? you couldn't get a box of candy, a pearl necklace, something? not even 100 watt bulb? it's 25 watts. what kind of gift is this? that is [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> give it back to me. i'll give it to somebody else. >> jimmy: not even -- not even 100 watts, uncle frank? >> 25. >> jimmy: what's wrong with you? >> dicky: geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with nancy grace, music from the twilight singers and nancy grace, music from the twilight singers and dax shepard. dry and uncom i just want to rip 'em out, throw 'em away and never see them again. [ male announcer ] know the feeling? get the contacts you've got to see to believe. acuvue® oasys brand contact lenses. feel how hydraclear® plus keeps your eyes exceptionally
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and music from the twilight singers. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, stay right where you are. here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. thanks to all of you for coming. we're just across the street from the kodak theatre, home of the academy awards. those are like the oscars of award shows, in so many ways. this will be the 83rd annual academy awards ceremony. you can watch it live at 8:00 eastern here on abc. last night we did a fun thing. there is a possum, a cross eyed
possum that lives in germany. the possum's name is heidi and we wanted to get something big going in advance of the oscars, similar to what they did with paul the octopus during the world cup. you remember paul the octopus? this is a octopus, picked all eight winners in a row at the world cup soccer match over the summer and then he died. he had serious gambling debts and, i think, a drug problem. we found heidi. and last night, heidi chose gnatley portman for best actress. she's the favorite. and tonight, heidi is hopefully going to make her pick for best actor. now -- these statues respect the five nominees for best actor. jesse eisenberg, javier bardem, colin firth, jeff bridges and oscar host james franco.
now, over in the box, we have heidi, heidi is part of the new exhibit that's opening in july. and the way it's going to work is this. whichever statue heidi touches with her paw first is going to be the winner. there's heidi. cute and scary at the same time. heidi is making her way, she's very deliberate in her approach. last night it took about 15 minutes for her to make a pick, so -- possums are the most film-savvy of all the mar soup yams. a lot of people ask me, what is the point of having a cross eyed possum make oscar picks, and i said, i don't know, what's the point of being alive. okay, she's sniffing around there, sniffing around colin firth. remember, we're waiting for a
paw to touch. and until -- and we will wait as long as we have to for that paw to touch. and hopefully heidi will make some kind of a selection soon. smelling all the that's how she does it. and -- well, all right, yeah. colin firth for "the king's speech." and congratulations to colin and the entire firth family. they got to be thrilled. so, i guess we'll see if her predictions come true on sunday. after the oscars, our sixth annual after the academy awards special, tom hanks will be here. we'll have music from c-lo green and a bevvy of beautiful starlets in our latest top secret comedy video. we had matt damon and ben affleck videos, the handsome men's club was last year and this year's offering, i think
you'll like it, but i'm not going to tell you about it. you have to trust me on this. do you trust me? [ applause ] foolish, but thank you. lindsay lohan was back in court this morning for the eighth time in nine months. that timeshare she bought across the street from the courthouse is really paying off. at this point, the sketch artist in the courtroom can draw her blindfolded. she's accused, as you know, of stealing a necklace from a jewelry store. see, i'd use the gift bag defense. your honor, i thought it was in a gifting suite. but of course, when a story of this magnitude breaks, our news media is there. this morning, headline news provided us with a spectacular edition of "how is this news?" >> you are looking at live area pictures of lindsay lohan's house in venice, california. we're expecting her to leave her home very soon for her court
hearing later today. >> jimmy: wow. [ applause ] that is a scoop. totally worth the $14,000 helicopter rental. i guess there's not much going on in the middle east right now. prosecutors say they intend to show surveillance footage of the alleged theft. i've not seen that yet, but i hear she's great on it. the judge had tough words for lindsay this morning, and he wasn't the only one who gave her a hard time. here she is this morning in l.a. superior court. >> if the case settles here, i don't want you under any apprehension. you will be going to jail. period. i don't care that you're lindsay lohan versus jane doe. that doesn't affect me. what i look to in sentencing, if there is a resolution in my court -- >> jimmy: wait a minute, that's illegal right there. that's what she was accused of. [ applause ]
there's a new episode of "american idol" tonight. for the first time ever, they were from las vegas. "american idol" shouldn't be going to vegas. it should be going to libya. they did come up with exciting twist. instead of being sent home, those who did not advance in vegas were fed to siegfried and relationship's tig roy's tiger. a lot of drama tonight. at one point, they had to stop tape because jennifer lopez was so broken up about having to cut one contestant. once they got her back, they had to stop her again, because steven tyler was under the judge's table having sex with that contestant. he's loving this. i think being in vegas has sent his hormones into overdrive. here is steven tyler's creepy leer of the night. ♪
[ applause ] >> jimmy: king leer. really starting to put up larry king-like numbers. this is pretty funny. the english language is constantly evolving. new words are being integrated all the time. most of them are annoying like bromance. but some of them, like this one who showed up in the courtroom of judge joe brown, are fantastic. >> somebody has gotten off on you, because you were dancing with some woman he had an interest in. i won't get into how you were dancing with her, but after this is over, you come up and you punch him. that's your friend. so, when he whips your behind after you punch him first -- >> he did not whoop my behind. >> listen. i smuffled him.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: smuffled? i smuffled him. i don't remember that word from "sesame street." oh, wait, maybe i do. >> somebody has gotten off on you, because you were dancing with some woman he had an interest in. i won't get into how you were dancing with her. but after this is over, you come up and you punch him. that's your friend. so, when he whips your behind after you punch him first -- >> he did not whoop my behind. >> listen. i smuffled him. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, maybe not a cartoon, but close enough. and one other -- we have a security guard here at our show named adolina. this is adolina. she sneaks food off the snack table most of the day.
and she loves dessert in particular. but she's not supposed to snack while she's at her post. it's -- we're very strict around here. so, to capitalize on that, we installed a large refrigerator right next to where she sits and we rigged that refrigerator with an alarm and a remote control lock. and, well, here's what happened. okay. so -- adolina is at her post. a lot of pies in that refrigerator. all flavors. every type you can imagine. that's pam. she does the food here. she and adolina don't get along. real delight as she checks to make sure the coast is clear. and, oh, maybe it's not clear. here comes our receptionist angela, enjoying a piece of pie. all right. and now the -- the coast is
indeed clear. there she goes. but it's locked. i don't know how it got locked. neither does she. no one else seems to have a problem opening it. adolina again. attempting to unlock it. well, i better get back to my post. all right. there we go. maybe i'll catch the door before it closes, or, no, i'll wait until he's just out of sight. and then it's locked again.
okay, well, all right, getting a lot of ties. and she would like one. but she's not getting one. >> [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: now it's locked again. that's dicky, our announcer. his empty plate. there's my cousin sal. pulling a little fonzi on it. and there he goes. piece of pie. adolina can't figure out what's going on. oh, wait, there you go. time for the cartoon histrionics. and then it will not come unstuck.
[ applause ] she's shh-ing the refrigerator. that's me. coming down from my office. i put the pie that she took back in the thing. and close it. now we're good. who were you saving it for? >> uncle frank. >> jimmy: why would. you leave it in the thing to save it for uncle frank? >> if you insist. >> jimmy: yeah, i'm just putting it in the thing. >> all right, we got that straightened out. you have to keep it cold.
and this is what you do. okay, here we go. she's got it. [ laughter ] here's cousin sal again. high five. she got that hand. and he -- [ laughter ] >> what are you doing? >> i'll just -- >> good luck with that. >> jimmy: and now she's stuck. >> thanks a lot, pal. >> jimmy: to hell with it, she's taking a piece of pie. she doesn't care who knows it.
and it's not stopping. no matter what. this is a woman that -- and here's cousin sal again. and there you go. keep up the great work,ed a lee nach adolina. you're doing a great job. we have a great show tonight. from "swift justice, jts nancy grace is here. we have music from the twilight singers. and we'll be right back with dax shepard, so stick around. ♪
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>> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. tonight on the program, she's got a new court show called "swift justice with nancy grace." at the end of this show, whoever loses, she beheads, so -- nancy grace is with us tonight. and then, music from this, their new album, it's called "dynamite steps." the twilight singers from the bud light stage. and you can see them live, their tour of the united states kicks off may 4th in oxford, mississippi. tomorrow night, owen wilson, kelly ripa and music from adele. sunday, our after the academy awards special. our latest top secret video, the content i cannot reveal.
but it will be well worth your time and it involved humping. our first guest tonight is the a very funny man and he's here to prove it. you can see him every night on "parenthood", 10:00 thursday nights on nbc. please say hello to dax shepard. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> so good. >> jimmy: you look good. you got a vest on. >> trying to bring the sweater vest back. >> jimmy: well, you -- >> they seem receptive. maybe it already back. >> jimmy: you look like a news boy from the '20s. >> thank you, thank you. well, you know, i recently came into a bunch of money. >> jimmy: yes, you did. >> think about retiring from "parenthood." >> jimmy: you came into the money at my house. >> guys, next super bowl, go over to kimmel's, because you are liable to win $300. i walked in and someone was
like, you need to give us $30 for the box. i was like, all right. i don't know what the box means. names everywhere. and as you saw, just sitting there, someone handed $300 to me. i had won some abstract betting system that i don't understand. >> jimmy: i feel like if i pay people they're more likely to come over and watch games with me. >> that's a recipe for success. i'll come over for breakfast. >> jimmy: did you spend all the money on the new outfit, the vest and what not? >> i know you wouldn't believe it by looking at it, but this is actually five years old. holding up well. >> jimmy: there's no -- >> i got a cedar closet at home. >> jimmy: that's the key. you got no bulbs on it. did you use the buzzer thing? >> i did, a lint rolled. and then steamed. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. i find the secret is, if you don't wash your clothes, they last forever. i don't think this thing has ever been -- dry cleaning is too harsh, in my opinion.
>> jimmy: how are you feeling, by the way? i was worried about you. >> yeah, i was fighting for my life last week. i went to palm springs to get away, and the first two days, very productive, decided to celebrate at a place, ironically called [ bleep ]. i was not smiling at 2:00 a.m. until 10:00 a.m. when i was, you know, dying. >> jimmy: you had bad food poisoning? >> i had it bad. and it went on and on. and there was a point -- i was by myself in a hotel room in the desert. i was like that guy with the arm caught, james franco movie. it's time to make a decision. you're going to die on this bed if you don't go to ralph's and get gatorade. so, i drove my weary, you know, mr. burns body up to ralphs and i guzzled a 32 ounce gatorade in the aisle and checked out with a bunch of empty gatorades.
i took me 12 hours to get in the car and drive back. and people were like, how did i got? it did not go well. >> jimmy: kristen bell told me about it. why do you have to go to palm strings to write? >> because i get distracted easily. you have to find a hotel with terrible wifi so you can't watch videos. and i don't mean the comedic variety. >> jimmy: i see what you're saying. >> you want to find a nice desolate location, get dysentery and pound out a script. >> jimmy: did you yell at theless yaunthe le restaurant? >> no, i didn't. by the way, i had eaten nothing that day, so, there's very little question about what -- >> jimmy: there is always a question, though, you never know. >> it could have been the delayed 72-hour later thing. one time, also, i believe there's no question about this one. worst food poisoning i ever had
at a buffet bar in kuwait in the first class lounge. that's a shocker that i got it there. but i was pigging out at this -- >> jimmy: why were you in kuwait? >> i was returning from afghanistan where i did a uso tour and i was rewarding myself for being so heroic with this curry and the whole thing and i went crazy. got on the plane, we were taxiing and i was like, this is not a good situation. 20 hours, and the clown next to me never was like, hey, you want the aisle seat? i was in the window, so, every 18 minutes, excuse me. wouldn't you, like, two hours in, be like, take the aisle seat so you -- >> jimmy: i would parachute off the plane if i was able to. >> for real. i almost didn't make it home. >> jimmy: you're not what i call a delicate eater. >> no, i'm kind of an extreme eater. >> jimmy: i've seen you eat dozens of sausage links. >> i'm famous for my sausage
consumption, as you know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you worked in -- what restaurant did you work? >> california pizza kitchen most recently. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> i was a host. it was a cpk in a very high end neighborhood in l.a. called brentwood. so the people were very accustomed to five-star dining. they would go, i'd like a reservation for six. i go, we don't offer those. and they would be so appalled by this. they would literally go, what is your name? >> and i'm wearing a name tag. i felt like it was a trick or something. and so -- and then also, you know, i was an aspiring actor so i was trying to show everyone i met how clever i was, so i had this routine i did when i sat people, i was required to say, are you familiar with our new menu. if they said no, i had to tell them about it. i would always say that, and i
would say, we only serve hot dogs and fried chicken now. 80% of the time, it was good. i said it so often, i was kind of on auto pilot. i sat a black couple down on a double date. are you familiar with the new menu. no, what's going on. i said, well, we only serve hot dogs and fried chicken now. and it just came out because i said it 40 times a day. >> jimmy: it would be racist not to say it. >> you're right, it would have been reverse racism. so, when i said that, he looked at me and i heard what i said and i was like -- i knew i was in big trouble. he goes, excuse me? and i go, oh, man, listen, i make that joke all the time, i promise. he goes, really? everybody that sits down here you say, we only serve fried chicken? and i said, i know that seems ridiculous, but i swear i do. and this guy was looking at me and he was not debating whether or not to get my name. he does debating whether or not he was going to kick my ass in
california pizza kitchen. i was like, i went back to the host stand. for the next ten minutes, i contemplated bringing a white couple that i had sat to confirm that i had said that to them earlier. >> jimmy: you didn't? >> i didn't. i thought best to just let sleeping dogs lie. >> jimmy: how long did you work at the california pizza kichen? >> i worked there, i know exactly because you get a review after two months and i got a review and there's all these categories and you get one out of ten. and one of the categories was punctuality. we're going through the list, appearan appearance, blah, blah, punctuality, he goes, i gave you a seven on that. i go, well, hold on a second. i've been ten minutes early to every single shift i've ever had here and he goes, uh-huh. and i go, how does one get ten, show up a day early or just never leave? and he goes, well, we want to give you something to aspire to. and i said, so you're tricking me? i go, you know what, i think i'm
done. and i quit. >> jimmy: because of that? >> because of that. and the next day, swear to god, i got a message from my manager, he goes, listen, i've been thinking it over, willing to give you an eight on punctuality if you can come back. >> jimmy: what a guy. >> and work tomorrow. >> jimmy: you didn't go back? >> not even a ten. yeah. >> jimmy: i want to talk about "parenthood." i watch it every week. it's really a great show. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: and i don't know how you fin nangled this, but your character on the show is cheated on the girlfriend to minka kelly. >> last year attend of the season, i said to the creator, hey, i don't know what happens with my character but if i break up with jasmine, i was thinking kristen could come on, my
fiance. he goes, oh, i look that idea a lot but i was thinking maybe we would have do that with minka kelly, and i go, oh, way better idea. my idea doesn't even make sense. what a stupid idea. like, the worst idea i ever had. that would be like if i pitched him, my character should drive the same car i already drive in real life. why do that? >> jimmy: you can have both. what a deal. >> exactly. so, yeah, so, my character hooks -- not like i was not involved. he, he looked up with minka kelly. >> jimmy: her contact. >> she's not playing herself on the show. so confusing. >> jimmy: derek jeter would be furious. >> many guys to pick a fight with, i'm going to pass on that one. so, you know, the reaction was, like, kristen was less than enthusiastic while watching it. the people on twitter, one person wrote me, crosby's a dog,
jasmine should hook up with lenny kravitz. i hate you. i don't know, like -- i hate you, i get. what i don't get is, she should hook up with lenny kravitz. the actual musician, will he be playing himself on the show? or, what if that's her advice to every girl. your man's a dog, you should hook up with lenny kravitz. very weird. >> jimmy: great advice. >> it is. >> jimmy: sounds like everything is going your way, except for the food poisoning. the gambling and the show and the making out with minka kelly. you should stay. i think you should be helpful to me. nancy grace is coming out next and, you know, she's this "swift justice." >> we'll see. >> jimmy: maybe she can fix those people at the thai restaurant for you. dax shepard is with us. "parenthood," tuesday nights on nbc. we'll be right back with nancy grace.
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>> jimmy: why do you have note cards? >> this is not a note card. this is a picture of my twins. >> jimmy: twin children? >> can you believe -- >> jimmy: let's show it. >> can you believe something so sweet came out of me? okay, not the rabbit, all right? not the rabbit. this is last easter. >> jimmy: are you interested in justice, these children? >> yes, they are, because -- >> not as fast, though, not as swift. >> jimm >> john david, we had the unfortunate incident of bringing home three billy goats gruff from the library, they found out about the troll. we have to look for the troll, and they have little magnifyi i glasses and find clues. >> jimmy: they think a troll is in the house? >> no, it's okay. we go on nature walks to look for the troll.
then we have to call the police to report the troll because john david is obsessed with batman and spider-man, to put the bad guys in jail. >> jimmy: so do you really call the police? >> we do make a phone call. sometimes i've called a former cop that i used to work with when i prosecute and they take the report and, now sometimes they will even come by in their patrol car and, you know, oh, they're coming for the troll. >> jimmy: so your son is insane is what you're telling us? >> yeah, kind of. >> jimmy: and you're contribu contributing to that. that's very cute. speaking of kids, lindsay lohan what do you think about this? >> she's no child, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: she's 24. but we've seen her grow up -- >> why did you say kid? did you see "parent trap?" it's over. let me tell you something. if i had walked out of a store and wanted to do a return, i would just go straight back to target. what did she do? she went to the lapd, she had
her assistant take her $2,000-plus necklace to the police. that's not how you make a return, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: that's how i do it. >> you call the police for trolls. >> jimmy: that's true. got to be a happy medium. >> pot calling the kettle black a little bit. >> jimmy: he does have a point. now, on this new show you are settling disputes between, like, just plaintiffs, like a court show, but you're not in -- >> there's no fake robe, no fake gavel, no -- >> jimmy: why not? >> because it is what it is. though i am considering getting a fake hunky sheriff, with the little tight -- >> jimmy: a bailiff. >> a fake hunky bailiff. if this thing goes -- you could. >> jimmy: i would love to be the bailiff. he never really does -- >> i can let you throw people
out. we do that all the time. >> jimmy: i have some of your cases here. >> oh, they cry, they stomp off, they walk out. >> jimmy: did a richmond, ohio, woman hire a carpenter to fix windows in her house or date him. nancy gets the fru s the truth. did you get it? >> i did. >> jimmy: you can tell if someone is lying? >> it's not hard. i prosecuted probably over 10,000 cases. but this one guy in particular, he, i was prepared for the case when i came out. i thought it was going to rule in his favor. he was standing there, and you can see everything, and there's no robe or a desk to hide behind, and he would stand there and -- every time i start -- >> jimmy: i'm not wearing a robe. >> and when i would ask questions, he would go -- i finally said, people, he's kicking his leg out like a horse. every time i would ask him a
question about the incident. so, to me, that was a dead give away he was lying. >> jimmy: really? you put him in jail based on that? >> no, not in jail, but i mean, come on, ladies. if you go, where were you last night, and your husband kicks his leg straight out to the side, i think that's a suggestion that he's lying. >> what if your boyfriend's jackie chan? >> jimmy: yeah. or a ninja? >> okay, all right, fine. >> jimmy: you would make an exception? see, you -- >> i can make that exception. >> jimmy: dax, make a statement and see if nancy can tell if you're lying or not. but you have to write down if you are lying or not. just write -- >> why would i believe that? why would i believe -- >> you can look it up on the internet later. how about this. i'll tell you two things, you tell me which is a lie. >> all right.
>> i went to ucla on a basketball scholarship. i am an offroad race car driver. >> i think you can a race car driver. >> is that because i didn't say scholarship correctly? >> jimmy: you got it right, nancy. you got it right. >> i tell you the third one. i tell you a third one. i have restless leg disorder. >> jimmy: maybe this guy was sexually excited and you put him in jail for no reason. >> why do you have to drag sex into everything? >> jimmy: i don't have to. i like to. >> nobody said anything about sex. >> jimmy: are you enjoying the new show? >> yeah, i like it. the night show is all about missing children and unsolved homicides and the day show, we should have a welcoming line, like they do at the white house, inviting these people in because these cases, i have never seen anything like it. >> jimmy: do you have watch the other court shows? it seems like it's all the same stuff. where are you getting -- >> i've seen "judge judy" a
couple of times with my dad. and, you know, i can't compete with her, so i'm doing my own thing. >> jimmy: you do defer to judge judy? >> do i defer to her? yeah, i'm scared of her. >> jimmy: do you defer to judge joe brown and judge mathis? >> no, just judy. >> jimmy: so, she's the oprah of that world. >> she's the gold standard. >> jimmy: and you are just -- >> i'm nothing compared to her. >> is wapner like bob dylan? >> jimmy: do you have to call wapner? >> he's the supreme court. he would be justin rehnquist of the supreme court. >> jimmy: can you do anything to the restaurant that poisoned dax? >> what kind of legal action can i take? >> i'm not sure that i can isolate that -- >> if i hadn't eaten 24 hours prior -- >> jimmy: that's your word. we don't know that that's true. >> i keep a very good food
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